just in case anyone is still reading...

I haven't written in awhile. In fact, since my last post, August 2nd has come and gone.

Then, sights were set on September 20th. And as some of you have heard, September 20th will also come and go without much fanfare.

Two postponements. And of course, I know that people are going to talk. I know that there are whispers and jokes floating around. It wouldn't surprise me at all if bets have been made on when, and even if, the wedding will happen. I mean, who postpones a wedding twice? Especially when it's a wedding that seems pretty low-key and laid back. A luau party, in the backyard--how much easier can that get?

Well, there's always more to the story than the whispers and jokes can cover, so before you place your own bet, please allow me to explain.

There is an element to the changing dates that is based on physical preparation for the wedding. We knew we wouldn't have everything ready by August 2nd, so we gave ourselves a little more time to complete some of the projects. But then, in the last month, we have made zero progress on those projects. The fence still isn't stained or sealed. The porches haven't been painted. The backyard landscaping remains a bit of a wreck. Things have been busy, and we haven't been able to address those projects like we had hoped. So, we are still not physically prepared to host a wedding.

There is something else, though, even more important than physical preparedness--emotional preparedness. And I will be completely honest here and say that it is something that I am struggling with.

Most of you know that I was previously married. I was married, and my marriage failed. Or rather, I failed my marriage. I estimate that I was 99% responsible for the divorce, and because of that, I still carry a lot of guilt, shame, and sadness over the demise of my marriage. There are nights--even now, years later--that I cry myself to sleep thinking about that particular part of my past. Should I still carry those burdens? Probably not. Do I want to carry those burdens? No. But I do. As much as I wish that I could just flip a switch--that I could just turn on a light in my heart and make all of the ghosts flee into the shadows-- it isn't that easy. Those ghosts still haunt me.

And because of that, I am afraid. I am afraid of getting married. Sometimes, I feel like I can manage it, but then sometimes it positively terrifies me.

And it is not a reflection upon Todd or my love for him--Todd is wonderful. I love Todd dearly. Todd has been extremely patient with me in all of my ups and downs. He has held me when I've cried, he has listened to my fears, and he has continued to walk with me when other men probably would have gotten frustrated and just walked away. Even when he doesn't completely understand, even when my struggles and hesitancy make him sad, he continues to love me with a patience that would rival Job's. And I am so grateful.

My hope is that everyone else will be patient with me as well. I recognize that I need to deal with these issues, that I need to face the demons from my past and not allow them to hold so much power over me now. And this will probably take some time and most likely require some counseling. I want to get to a point where my pulse will race with excitement, not with stress, when I think of getting married. It isn't fair to Todd, or to myself, if I am approaching my wedding day with anything less than joy.

So, I promise that there will be no more "false dates" in the wedding preparations-- you will either hear that we eloped, or you will receive an invitation in the mail. All in time. All in the right time.

Thank you to my sweet Todd, and to everyone else, for your patience.